beginning a new year

In the past few weeks, I have been praying and pushing for something that isn't happening. The plan for spring was to continue school at South Alabama & host a team of Ugandan missionaries. I was jealous with the thought of my friend Logan going back to Lira, Uganda in January for four months. I wanted to be going with her! But, God had given me a ministry of hosting the team from Uganda. I prayed and knew that I should not entertain thoughts of going to Africa in January, because I was to steward what God had already given me.

In mid-December, I got an email from the leader of the Uganda team and he gave me the unfortunate news that only one of four people were approved for visas. The team will re-apply and try to come in May. I now had more time to prepare for their visit. Yet, there in my heart grew the hope that I could take time off from school and go to Africa in January. Only on one condition. I had to find someone to take my apartment lease or I would not be able to commit to Africa. Rent was too expensive for me to ask my parents to pay for an apartment I was not living in. Even if I asked, I am positive I know what their answer would have been.

I posted to facebook and craigslist my need. I texted everyone I knew in Mobile. I was walking toward this trip and needed God to move things around so that I could go. It seemed crazy the thought of leaving in such short notice, but then I remembered that since I left Uganda I wanted to be back there. The same goes for Mozambique. I cried for hours on the plane going home from Mozam.

So where am I?

I just got back from Passion Conference. During Louie's announcement of how much money we raised, a number from Uganda called. I run up the stairs screaming, “Hello! Hello!” It was Suzanne that called to tell me happy new year and baby Shelby (my dear sweet name sake) is five months old now and doing great. My heart starts pounding and my hands shaking. As I manage to get back to my seat, Louie is talking about a recent story of a young Ugandan boy castrated by a witch doctor. Some of the money raised will go to support the rescue of children held captive by witch doctors for the purposes of child sacrifice.

Emotions were high at the end of Passion to hear the millions of dollars raised for the prevention and restoration of slaves. But, I am more moved by the faces and stories than the numbers and statistics. All the while, I still had hope that someone would would take my apartment and I would be set to leave for Uganda. A week away from the departure of this trip and I had hope. Soon after I left Passion, I found out my last interested person was no longer interested. Reality began to set in that I was not going to Africa, rather Mobile, Alabama and in less than two weeks I would be back to studying social work.

I don't understand it all. I don't have “a peace” about not being in Africa for my twenty first birthday. But I do know Jesus who is peace. When I ask the Lord why, I am reminded of Isaiah's words, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” I remember the lyrics of Bryan and Katie Torwalt's song, “and when I don't understand, I will choose You, when I don't understand, I will choose to love You, God”

I will choose to worship Him even when I don't understand. Because He has a purpose for my life. In Him all things hold together. Because not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without my Father knowing it. Because He will guide me always, never leave me nor forsake me. Those are the promises I will cling to. I know the promises are true because I know the One who saved, healed and free me and He Himself is true.

I am trying to wrap this story up, but I don't want to miss anything. As I press on toward the Father my dear friend Sydney encouraged me yesterday with a short but profound truth. She said, “YOU HAVE NO CLUE what He is protecting you from or what He is doing with you in mobile.”

I only know what I know and I don't know what I don't know.

In closing to this novel of a blog, I drove home from Atlanta this morning and as I began to pray I had a vision. I saw a father dropping his little girl off at school. She was angry at him and throwing a fit. Screaming and crying, she said, “please don't make me go.” Even though he saw the pain in her eyes he knew what was best for her. He told her that he'd be back to get her. The counselor hugged and comforted her as they walked together into school. As a parent knows what is best for his child, so does my Father.

As this scene played out in my head I was able to relax and breathe in His presence knowing my Father is near to those who call on him in truth.